Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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