if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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