Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
