my shit smells like andre
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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