dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
