my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
