The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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