She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
