My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Randomize
