I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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