I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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