what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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