My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
