Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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