I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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