Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
