I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
