Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
