There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
