shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
