don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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