just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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