david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
