i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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