My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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