Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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