I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
