new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We are all done wearing pants today
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
