I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
