The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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