I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
