I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
