She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
