you traded sex for a burrito?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
