no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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