Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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