I'm gonna have a badass scar
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
