Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
