She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
