She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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