Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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