Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
