k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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