Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
