Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
