Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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