at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
