I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
