Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
