I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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